Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear Ketosis-Junkie

Well I received a letter from a college asking me for advice, never one to humble to admit, I don't know, I thought I would share it here.

Dear Ketosis Junkie,

How do I get my Girl Friend to go down on me?

Chubby in Cincinnati

Dear Chubby,

Thank you for your question.
The Ketosis Junkie gets a lot of such questions from all around the world, and I thought it was pertinent to answer this on the blog.

You did not supply a lot of detail, like, how long you have been dating her, and are you already doing the horizontal pelvis grind.

I assume you have been dating her more then 4 dates (Ketosis Junkie rule number one, is date 4, your on the floor, against the wall, or hanging from a tree) so I assume this has been accomplished. The exceptions to rule 4 is you may be a pimply assed 17 year old and your dating your High School Creative Writing Teacher, who at 24 has only giving guys hand jobs while not looking.

Several reasons why your lady has not made like a Popsicle with your ball and tackle.

1. She may be greatly offended by the idea
2. Hygiene (you might have a stinky third pinkie)
3. She may not know how and be embarrassed
4. She may want you to yodel in the gully first
5. She may fear you are to large for her little mouth (Ketosis has run into this)
6. What does she do with the white stuff?

Most of these things can be overcome.

Tequila is often the answer. I know from countless experience, tequila has gotten my pole in the mouths of a lot of farmers daughters, nuns and other virginal holdouts. Tequila has overcome religious, moral, hygienic objections, more then any other method.

But a good rule of thumb is:
1. Be Clean, and clean up.
If you look like a Sasquatch below the navel, today's women, (21st Century) expect a trim, bush. I mean most guys like myself want a trim, landing pad for their soul patch when in the 70-1 position. Or at least a tight little package. I get scared of women with an Tropical Rain forest growing between their thighs, and I would expect most women think the same. So, get out the trimmers and tame you wild patch.
I little cologne can help, and shower (especially after taking a dump, poo is not a nice smell)

2. Drink Pineapple juice. I have heard this (and been told)cause I drink and eat lots of Pineapple, that it makes the man milk taste sweet. So sweet that I had a young lady from Western Europe insist on Ketosis Juice for breakfast, everyday. After a few months I felt like a damn cow.

3. Go down to get downtown. Lapping a labia is always a good start
4. Throw in a skin flick, it gets things going. (I personally never get past the opening credits or previews, but hey, I just am always good to go).

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